71 Funny day quotes that will add Cheer to Your Routine
Some days just need a little laughter.
Sometimes life gets too serious, and a funny quote can be the perfect break.
These funny day quotes are here to add a bit of humor and make your day a little brighter.
Because a good laugh can go a long way, don’t you think?
Short Funny Day Quotes for Instagram
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin
“Why is it called rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
“The only thing worse than being discussed is not being discussed.” — Oscar Wilde
“Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. This way, you’ll be a mile away from them, and you’ll have their shoes.” — Jack Handy
“I’m tired of chasing my dreams; I’m just going to ask where they’re headed and join them later.” — Mitch Hedberg
“I’d love to stand here and chat with you … but I won’t.” — Phil Connors, Groundhog Day
“All you need is love. But a bit of chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.” — Charles M. Schulz
“People claim that money isn’t the key to happiness, but I always thought if you have money, you can have the key made.” — Joan Rivers
“I’m not bothered by blonde jokes because I know I’m not foolish … and I also know I’m not blonde.” — Dolly Parton
“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.” — Isaac Asimov
“Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny.” — Stephen Hawking
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” — Benjamin Franklin
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” — George Carlin
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” — Miles Kington
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” — Bill Murray
“I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin
“I’m not crazy – I’ve been in a very bad mood for 40 years.” — Ouiser Boudreaux
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.” — Henry Kissinger
“I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning, I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” — Winston Churchill
“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.” — Billy Sunday
“Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?” — George Carlin
“It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.” — Lewis Carroll
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.” — Douglas Adams
“Books are the perfect entertainment: no commercials, no batteries, hours of enjoyment for each dollar spent.” — Stephen King
“Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” — Charles Bukowski
“The difference between genius and stupidity is: genius has its limits.” — Alexandre Dumas
“Never hurry and never worry!” — E.B. White
“Lord, what fools these mortals be!” — William Shakespeare
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” — Bill Watterson
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” — Cathy Guisewite
“Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans.” — Allen Saunders
“Life is a lot like jazz… it’s best when you improvise.” — George Gershwin
“Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I’d have an excuse.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.” — Pete (Knocked Up)
“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” — Phyllis Diller
“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” — Nora Ephron
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.” — Rose (The Golden Girls)
“I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do?” — Unknown
“Some people have lives; some people have music.” — John Green
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright
“I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.” — Steven Wright
“Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.” — Mitch Hedberg
“I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.” — Mitch Hedberg
“Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.” — Golda Meir
“I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.” — George Carlin
“Say yes, and you’ll figure it out afterward.” — Tina Fey
“Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.” — Will Rogers
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” — Winston Churchill
“Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” — Laurell K. Hamilton
“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?” — Phyllis Diller
“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.” — Dave Barry
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” — Groucho Marx
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” — Groucho Marx
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” — Woody Allen
“If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.” — Milton Berle
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.” — Mae West
“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” — Franklin P. Jones
“It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by that time I was too famous.” — Robert Benchley
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.” — Tommy Cooper
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m not lazy. I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” — Unknown
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” — Earl Wilson
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” — Oscar Wilde
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
“I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” — Michael Scott (The Office)
