74 Funny and Entertaining Quotes to Make You Smile and Lighten the Mood
Sometimes you just need something fun to read or share, so we’ve put together a list of all the best entertaining quotes to keep things light.
And if you’re looking for short and funny quotes for Instagram, we also have you covered.
Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.
Short Entertaining Quotes for Instagram
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” — Oscar Wilde
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” — Anonymous
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” — Earl Wilson
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” — Groucho Marx
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Anonymous
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” — Steven Wright
“Age is of no importance unless you’re a cheese.” — Billie Burke
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
“I am not lazy, I am on energy-saving mode.” — Anonymous
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” — Charlie Chaplin
“I cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.” — W.C. Fields
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” — Anonymous
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” — Ann Landers
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright
“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” — Steven Wright
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Anonymous
“I can resist everything except temptation.” — Oscar Wilde
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” — Dalai Lama
“I am not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” — Woody Allen
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” — Steven Wright
“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” — Cathy Guisewite
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” — Will Rogers
“If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing (Friends)
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” — Douglas Adams
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” — Bill Murray
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” — Douglas Adams
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” — Steven Wright
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” — Thomas Edison
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” — Dorothy Parker
“To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.” — Reba McEntire
“I am on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” — Anonymous
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard
“If you can’t convince them, confuse them.” — Harry S Truman
“I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.” — Groucho Marx
“The only time to be positive you’re in the right lane is when you’re driving in reverse.” — Anonymous
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.” — W.C. Fields
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” — Zach Galifianakis
“I am not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott (The Office)
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson (attributed)
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” — Bob Hope
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” — Flip Wilson
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” — Emo Philips
“If you want to achieve greatness, stop asking for permission.” — Anonymous
“I wish I were as thin as my patience.” — Anonymous
“I’m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired.” — Anonymous
“I have the heart of a small boy. It’s in a jar on my desk.” — Stephen King
“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” — Milton Berle
“I am so old that my blood type has been discontinued.” — Bill Dane
“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.” — Derek Bok
“If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead yet?” — Cynthia Heimel
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — A.A. Milne
“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.” — Steven Wright
“I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.” — David Lee Roth
“If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of meals.” — Anonymous
“I have a photographic memory, but I always forget to bring the film.” — Anonymous
“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” — Woody Allen
“I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.” — Steven Wright
“If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with nonsense.” — W.C. Fields
“I’m not arguing, I’m just passionately expressing my point of view.” — Anonymous
“I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.” — Groucho Marx
“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” — John Barrymore
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
“If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.” — George Carlin
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.” — Anonymous
“I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.” — Fred Allen
“If you want to be sure to never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.” — Aldo Cammarota
