70 Funny Relationship Quotes for a Good Laugh
Relationships are full of love, laughter, and plenty of hilarious moments.
That’s why we’ve gathered all the best funny relationship quotes for your next post.
And if you’re looking for witty and relatable sayings to capture the humor in love, we also have you covered.
Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.
Our Favorite Relationship Quotes for Instagram
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man that I want my children to spend their weekends with?” — Rita Rudner
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.” — Mae West
“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” — Carroll Bryant
“Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.” — Benjamin Franklin
“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.” — Steven Wright
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” — Groucho Marx
“Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” — Albert Einstein
“I don’t see how being married could be any worse than listening to you talk for twenty years, but that still ain’t much of a recommendation for it.” — Larry McMurtry
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” — Groucho Marx
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Frederick Ryder
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” — Natasha Leggero
“An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.” — Agatha Christie
“Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.” — Laurence J. Peter
“The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.” — Linda Festa
“Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in.” — Richard Jeni
“I can’t make you love me. But I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75.” — Rob Delaney
“Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” — Bob Ettinger
“It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.” — Nick Hornby
“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” — Helen Rowland
“The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.” — Israel Zangwill
“My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.” — Emo Philips
“True love is singing karaoke Under Pressure and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part.” — Mindy Kaling
“If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back.” — Chelsea Peretti
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henny Youngman
“Save a boyfriend for a rainy day — and another, in case it doesn’t rain.” — Mae West
“Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.” — Phyllis Diller
“The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends.” — Agatha Christie
“I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” — Rita Rudner
“There’s no easy way to break off any relationship. It’s like the mozzarella cheese on a good slice of pizza. No matter how far you pull the slice away from your mouth it just gets thinner and longer but never snaps.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“To symbolize out great relationship, I’d like you to have this framed x-ray.” — Pat Williams
“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage—they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.” — Rita Rudner
“By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” — Socrates
“Love is blind – marriage is the eye-opener.” — Pauline Thomason
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” — Shirley MacLaine
“My husband forgot my birthday and my anniversary. I didn’t feel bad. On the contrary. Give me a guilty husband any day. Some of my best outfits come from his guilt.” — Betty Walker
“I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.” — David Young
“If you want your wife to pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.” — David Young
“When a man and woman marry they become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.” — David Young
“Some women spend the first part of their lives looking for a husband, and the last part wondering where he is.” — David Young
“You know the honeymoon is over when the husband takes his wife off the pedestal and puts her on a budget.” — David Young
“When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” — Marian Jordan
“My husband says I treat him like he’s a god; every meal is a burnt offering.” — Rhonda Hansome
“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.” — Rita Rudner
“I figure when my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, then I’ve done my job.” — Roseanne Barr
“The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.” — Ambrose Bierce
“My husband and I fell in love at first sight. Maybe I should have taken a second look.” — Mia Farrow
“An Ideal Husband Life is a near-death experience.” — George Carlin
“Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.” — Marian Keyes
“You know you’re happily married, when you’d rather come home than go out.” — Heinz Ruhmann
“Marrying means to halve one’s rights and double one’s duties.” — Arthur Schopenhauer
“Most women try to change a man and then they have changed him, they do not like them.” — Marlene Dietrich
“A happy marriage is where he’s a little bit blind, and she’s a little bit deaf.” — Loriot
“A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.” — Hugh Payne
“How do husbands sort their laundry? ‘Filthy’ and ‘Filthy but Wearable.'” — Hugh Payne
“The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.” — Hugh Payne
“Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would really have preferred.” — Hugh Payne
“Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.” — Hugh Payne
“Honolulu: it’s got everything, Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.” — Ken Dodd
“The thing to remember is that in marriage the husband and wife are one – and the husband is the one.” — Helen Deutsch
“There are four sacred bonds in this life: A parent and child, a husband and wife, a priest and confessor… and manager-talent.” — Mitch Glazer
“There’s no such thing as a ‘perfect marriage’ or a ‘perfect spouse’. Come on, get real! Marriage is a flawed institution if you buy into that theory.” — Shobha Dé
“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” — Robert Quillen
“After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.” — Al Gore
“I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.” — Bill Clinton
“A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.” — Barack Obama
“When a husband and wife are concerned only about their own individual desires, the stage is set for conflict.” — Billy Graham
“Too many husbands and wives enter into marriage with the idea that their spouse exists for one purpose: to make them happy.” — Billy Graham
“Marriage is not a reform school. Instead of you reforming (your spouse), (he or she) will instead influence you.” — Billy Graham
